Healthy Adults, Healthy Kids: Making SEL Part of Your Lifelong Learning

by Melissa Tovaas, M.A. Social Emotional Learning 
Executive Director, School Services of Montana

I’ve spent the last fifteen years deepening my understanding of and practice in social and emotional learning (SEL).  Adults in schools and communities around the world have also been developing their SEL.  There is now an annual international SEL Day celebrated worldwide.  We’ve made great strides; and there’s still work to do. SEL is part of life-long learning. 

Research shows that a focus on SEL (whole child skill development) in schools and communities, leads to:

• Increased academic performance
• Decrease in behavioral health concerns
• Increase in teacher retention
• Increase in workforce and college readiness
• Increase in school attendance 

(Montana Office of Public Instruction, 2025)

In addition, when schools and communities focus on SEL, students report an increased sense of safety and support, better relationships with teachers, and stronger feelings of belonging and inclusiveness in schools (CASEL, 2024)

THE WHAT:

 As you read this definition, what is your reaction? What connections do you make? 

“SEL is the process through which all young people and adults acquire and apply the knowledge, skills, and attitudes to develop healthy identities, manage emotions and achieve personal and collective goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain supportive relationships, and make responsible and caring decisions (CASEL, 2024).”

According to CASEL, SEL includes five key competencies that are interrelated: 

• Self Awareness
• Self Management 
• Social Awareness 
• Relationship Building 
• Responsible Decision Making 

From my work learning and teaching about SEL in schools, I often hear the following reflections when reading the definition: 

• I was never taught these skills explicitly when I was a child, but I learned some by default (modeling from a parent, learning from a mistake, etc.).  
• I wish I had more strategies at a younger age to manage my emotions - it’s still difficult sometimes; especially when I’m stressed out.  
• Learning to excel in all of these areas at a younger age would have helped me get through challenging events/times in more productive ways.  

THE WHY:

After learning the foundations of SEL, I developed my “why” for making SEL a part of my lifelong learning journey. In my simple view, 

• It helps me take care of myself.
• It helps me be a better Mom. 
• It helps me be a better family member and friend.
• It helps me be a better leader and colleague.

I remember having an aha moment about the skill of “Managing Emotions” when my now-teenage-son was a toddler.  I was taking him out of my minivan and ended up closing my finger in the door jam after he got out.  The tremendous pain instantly traveled from my finger to my brain.  But even in that moment, I remember wanting to show him my control and not wanting to scream or cry in front of him to protect him and not scare him.  I thought it could be a “teachable moment.”  He looked at me with concern and I just smiled and said, “My finger got stuck in the door and it hurt.” After getting him inside, I ran outside again and cried in pain.  I realized afterwards I was not teaching him to “manage his emotions.” In fact, I was teaching him that you should repress your emotions, that showing your emotions is a sign of weakness, and that you shouldn’t cry or scream when you’re hurt (a natural reaction and survival skill, really, to pain)! I also reflected on many other times that I tried to hide challenging emotions and conflict, rather than model for by using strategies to come back out of those challenging situations.   

What is or could be your “why” for SEL?  Share it in the comments! 

THE HOW: 

Concepts and Strategies for your Personal SEL Journey 

Learning and practicing SEL takes a multi-faceted approach. Here are some basic concepts and strategies I’ve found useful in my work: 

Head and Heart Concept 

One big idea that I learned from friends at the Collaborative Classroom, is that the head and the heart are in the same body, and they carry equal weight.  In our relationships, in our teaching and work with children or adult learners, we must always remember to keep the whole learner (head and heart) in mind. We must plan with the academic needs as well as the social, emotional, and cognitive needs of the learner.  ​

Oxygen Mask Concept

Just like an airline pilot directs passengers to put on their own oxygen mask before helping others, adults must prioritize their own well-being to support the well-being of others.  This is where building wellness practices (whatever that looks like for you) into your routine to make them habits becomes helpful.  There are many resources available.  I’ve found these two helpful:  

• Everyday Self-Care for Educators (book) 
• Using the wellness wheel to reflect and brainstorm what categories of wellness may need more attention.  

​
Understanding Emotions 
​
Get better at naming your emotions.  If you’re feeling anxious or sad, what other words might better describe what you’re experiencing?

For the more challenging times, this article explains how to take this practice further by not just naming your emotions, but rating them for intensity, and writing about them.  
3 Ways to Better Understand Your Emotions, Susan Davis, Harvard Business Review

Self-Awareness and Self-Management
​
When self-assessing SEL competencies, managing emotions is the SEL component that adults say they struggle with the most, personally.  Not surprisingly, it’s what educators and parents say is most disruptive and difficult to support children with.  

• Recognize that emotions are E-energy in motion. Emotions are constantly flowing.  When you defend, repress, or avoid your emotions they cannot move through you and move on.  Instead they become blocked and can impact your physical, mental, and behavioral health.  ​
• Create a Self-Regulation Dashboard: 

In the book, Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life, Shanker explains that cars have dashboards and alert us when there is an issue (when the fuel is almost empty, when the car is about to overheat, etc.).  Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a dashboard to better understand what’s going for ourselves and our children or students?  If you were to come up with a Self-Regulation “Dashboard” what would you include on it? 

• What happens when your fuel is low (or your energy is drained)? 
• What causes wear and tear (what are your stressors)? 
• What routine maintenance is needed to keep your car running smoothly (what routines help you energized and balanced)? 
• What is the best oil and gas to “fill your tanks” and keep your engine and systems running smoothly (what is happening when you feel your best?)? ​

Active Listening

Listen with empathy and understanding by using these tips: 

• Paraphrase.
• Ask questions.
• Express empathy.
• Use engaged body language. 
• Avoid judgement. 
• Avoid giving advice. 

Read about each active listening component in this article to learn more and try it out: Active Listening for School Staff.

What are some resources or strategies you’ve found effective?  Share them in the comments! 

References: 
​
CASEL (2024). Definition of Social and Emotional Learning. Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL). Retrieved from https://casel.org

Davis, S. (2016). 3 Ways to Better Understand Your Emotions. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2016/11/3-ways-to-better-understand-your-emotions. 

Montana Office of Public Instruction (2025). Whole Child Supports. Retrieved from https://opi.mt.gov/Educators/School-Climate-Student-Wellness/Safe-Supportive-Schools/Whole-Child-Supports.

Shanker, S. (2016). Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life. Penguin Books.

Philibert, CT. (2019). Everyday Self-Care for Educators (Book). Routledge.

Greater Good in Education (2022). Active Listening for School Staff. UC Berkeley. Retrieved from https://ggie.berkeley.edu/practice/active-listening-for-school-staff/#tab__2.